Today, I have some time on my own and suddenly was feeling a little .. homesick. I mean, I always miss Singapore my home but I miss another "home". I miss my "secret place within myself". You know, that place inside you, one only you truly know you are at home? So deep, so private, so mystery that even if you want to invite someone in, they may not dare to enter. I have been so crazily busy these few months, I neglect it badly. No wonder I feel a literally a little not myself, a little of out place these days.
I love my Hiding Place. It is an amazing amazing place. It is so big, so vast, it is bigger than the Universe or the Galaxies and their Suns and Moons. It is so huge but yet so gentle, never pushy. It is quiet and loud, peaceful and chaotic, funny and serious, wise and foolish, sly and honest, passionate and indifferent , sinking and floating, shrewd and innocent, a slave and a master, a child and her monster under her bed all at the same time.
The things, memories, every feelings, experiences, failures, successes, odds and bits of little treasures I collect on my life journey, I store in there. I do not have a lot of space in my real personal life but ah... I have no fear of leaving anything out in my Hiding place.
I cultivate this Hiding Place at the age of 4. Vivid memories of me then , standing in sunlight, wearing a new dress my mum made for me, hair in two ponytails, not very comfortable in front cameras ( and still am not). I remember even as the camera snapped, I feel a strong clear voice in my little self saying " my... isn't life grand, I think I am going to start hanging around for a little while". And so it became.
I am blessed to have a wonderful childhood and parents that puts playing first more than studies. I played with my friends all the time! Ahh.. the things me and Valerie did when we were young. We went everywhere, did everything, believe in all we wanted , there were truly no limits. None.
Even as I grew, I often retreat to my Hiding Place a lot. I am very curious and inquisitive but I dislike asking people for answers, I often feel the answers given are very subjective and it is dangerous to accept it just like that. I prefer to go "inside", think, analysis, chew, dismantle, fix, throw out stupid and useless parts which is not true. I spend hours hours in my room, reading searching for answers, learning from great men and women who wrote books. I avoid joining any Religion, Organization, Clubs, Committee etc as I feel it would just limit my thoughts and keep me away from what this wonderful world has to offer.
It is difficult as that means I am mostly alone. I do have great great friends but they know better than to try to get me on to any sides. Being alone is a small payoff to what I have seen, experience and above all feel. *smile. I guess that is why I am never afraid of death. I know where I am going when I die. That allows me to see everything in this world as so temporal, so fragile , so precious and above all so funny. I know some stuff are not funny at all. I grieve alot in my Hiding Place too, Life is so short, I do not spend precious time grieving and stop living or ask useless questions like "Why them? ", "Why is life so unfair?" . "Why that wonderful vintage purse on Etsy is sold so fast!! I really wanted it!!!" etc. I do the grieving all inside , maybe that is what it means to have a heavy heart.
So today, I put own my dusty headphones and put on some of my favorite songs and close my eyes, I am going back to my Hiding Place. I always love Deep Dish, Trainspotting Soundtrack, Underworld and Gorillaz . These 4 CDS are ones I must have at all times.
Let me share you these songs which lyrics I love and they always makes me smile. Honestly.. I feel the music quality are better on a disc than on a video.
Funny, how a 4 minutes song can make me travel at the speed of light, fly past all the galaxies and land in my very own wonderland. Should I describe it? Maybe one day when we have all the time in world. *wink