Monday, February 23, 2009

♥The Illiterate Of The 21st Century

I saw this postcard in a local cafe 12 years ago and had kept it with me every since. When I moved to Middle East to work as a nurse, I pin it up on my wall. When I lived in Seoul 3 years back, it is one of the first thing I unpack and the second card I put up on my fridge with a magnet ( The first was a Turkish saying " A woman has the right to divorce her husband if he fails to provide her her daily quota of fresh coffee", but that is another story).

Now in Shanghai, it is also one of the first thing I put up on my new fridge. It speaks to me quietly all the time. I do not know what the young man with the funky hairdo has to do with the saying but I do like the face paint on him. Today, I feel agitated again. Not the bad time, the let's get up and do something type. That stir in one's spirit, the butterflies in one's tummy which has nothing to do with the expresso one just drank kind of feeling.

I am worry. I am feeling this way more and more each day. I feel restless, I feel I am not fulfilling some part of me. That selling online and being a good wife is a social front. Not that I don't love it. I love my shop to death and I love being married to my beautiful geek but yet.... a deep seat feeling there is something I need to accomplish.

This is not the first time I felt this way, for many years, in fact. I try to sought peace and fulfillment with yoga, reading tons of books, mediated even medicated. When nice ,proper way does not help, I sought lovers, alcohol and more medication but nothing, nothing can quiet that feeling. It would be okay for a while but a trigger, I would be blown away, I cannot sleep, cannot eat, cannot concentrate, it is not a bad feeling though. It is like I know I am suppose to do something but it just does not present itself!

Of course, I seek all sought of advices and some friends told me to chill, to do exercise to burn that restlessness off ( duh) , to pray ( hmmmm), some analyze this feeling with me to death. In the end,nothing. So life goes on, I am good wife, a good citizen and a good seller ( *wink).

Then it came again. In the interest of introducing Chinese history to my husband, I bought some DVD and last night we watched Red Cliff. It is an awesome Mandarin epic movie based on the Battle of Red Cliffs during the end of the Han Dynasty . It is a two part series and had a very strong cast. Of course, I am sure the plot and characters of the real life historical warriors and counsels are greatly exaggerated and dramatize. Yet, what strikes me was the theme of loyalty, righteousness, nature and music being emphasized in this show.

Tonight, we watched Ip Man . It is another historical movie portraying Bruce Lee's master Ip Man. Again, loyalty, humility, righteousness , friendship are strong themes in this movie.

I was moved, very moved by these two shows. After watching them, I feel the restlessness which lies dormant for the last few months rising again. I try to rationalize it. What? Do I want to bear arms like the brave warriors, rode on horse and slash the heads of my enemies? But I do not have any enemies in my life and even if I have, I do not think beheading them would be a good idea, too much effort and sawing through a human's neck is not that easy ( I am a nurse and I kinda of know a neck's anatomy..). Do I want to learn marital arts and fend off foreign terrorists to protect my people ? Number one, I think I do not have any "my people" but I do still think I would love to fight against terrorists in any way I can.

I think the gist is not the fighting but the fact there were people who were loyal to their countries, their friends and family. There were people who would fight a good fight in the name of righteousness . They recognize there are bigger things in life than themselves.

These people do not want to fight but had to to protect their country and family. I think perhaps what I feel is.. I wish I know them personally., I wish they are my real friends. I wish I have people like them in my life. I wish I have a clause to fight for and live for.

I do in some ways, I have awesome friends that are always there for me, a loving family and husband, I lack of nothing, I have more than I can ever have in a lifetime. I should be happy? Yes, but what is this restlessness? Perhaps I wish, the world can be filled with more people like them. I bet those historical people also have their flaws too but it is their strength and wisdom that overcome their flaws in the end.

Perhaps I am dreaming of an ideal world, where all can live in righteous harmony. Then again, without war, without struggles, without cruelty, we will perhaps never know these men.

Perhaps I wish I can do more. This I know I can. One can always do more. Perhaps I need to go and do something to help people who need it. Instead of thinking it's SEP ( SOMEONE ELSE'S PROBLEM) , I would see it as IAMP ( IT"S ALSO MY PROBLEM). I do help out whatever and whenever I can but it is not enough. I don't know... like I do give to the poor all the time and feed the stray animals. But I just feel it is not enough. Like.. yah.. maybe I should go and volunteer to help out at the local community or save money and go on a trip to volunteer somewhere. The thing is, I often want to go and help earthquakes victim but I am often short of funds or cannot take leave from work. Ok, this is one thing I have to discuss with THE BIG MAN UPSTAIRS, He is my best friend and a total miracle worker. I just need to do it ! I had been trying to excuse myself for a long time. Sometimes I am genuinely worried. Can I justify making my family worry and using our hard earn savings just to appease some noble spirit in me ? This is one big hurdle for me.. I don't know.. but I know I need to try. Well, that means lesser shoes, lesser bags, lesser decor tapes ( NOoooooooooooooo )... *smile. It is doable.

I do thank God everytime I feel this restlessness, i feel alive, I feel alert, I feel positive. I must not be afraid , most importantly I must not buried it or one day it will go away and I know I will leave this good earth unfulfilled ( I promise I would not be a restless spirits roaming the earth if it did happen, God knows there are enough of them!).

Oh, what has this got to do with the post card above? Nothing . I like it so I put it there.

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